This will be my second to last blog entry from South Africa. Tonight we have a Braai (that's just another word for BBQ) to come together with our friends one last time before we leave. I decided to take a break from cleaning and packing to write down some of the random thoughts that I am having right now. I'm in a little bit of denial about leaving tomorrow afternoon. It's weird because I feel like I just got here, but at the same time when I think back to May 25th in the airport it seems like a million years ago.
We have done all of our sightseeing and shopping, and this week brought another week of lectures. It was our time to sit down and figure everything out. The quarter-life crisis is very trendy as of lately, so I'm hopping on the bandwagon. I really want to take time right now to sit down and figure out why I do what I do. Why do I give so much time to certain things and none to others, and how does that align with where I want to go?
I'm at a crossroads right now. Lately, I've been feeling like I am lost and have no direction in life. I haven't really taken the time to figure out my passions. However, when I take a closer look I realize that I am afraid to actually sit down and figure it all out. (Don't worry mom and dad. That's not to say that I'm not going to figure it all. I'm just saying that I might need a little bit of time.) You are probably all sitting here, reading this thinking that I'm completely crazy. Why wouldn't I want to take the time to figure out what gets me out of the bed in the morning? To all of you I say this: I have managed to get out of bed every morning up until this point, so I'm doing just fine! hahaha Just kidding! I have come to realize that in the moment of clarity comes so much more confusion. Is it really even fair to expect a 21 year old to have an identified in life? I sometimes forget that I am only 21, and I still have a lot of life left to live. I think that I get so caught up in having a plan that I forget to appreciate just being in the moment and having presence with that. On the other hand, isn't that discrediting me and people my age? I think that all too often we justify that which we don't want to face by saying we are too young. Am I selling myself short by saying that I am ONLY 21?
This all leads me to think about how much a person can change over a period of three weeks. Really, it doesn't even take three weeks. Its all about moments. There are vital moments in life separating polar opposites. In a mere moment I have learned to see things in a completely different life, and now that the moment has passed I can never really go back to where I was before. I think that, for me, it's going to be hard to go back home and back to reality. Why does going home have to be a return to reality- or better yet, why is leaving home a break from reality? I realize that things are different while traveling because of the obvious- no school, no work- but what makes me any different in either situation? Right now I am sitting here trying to figure out what the disparity between the two versions of me is. What do I like about me when I am not at home, and how can I take that back home with me and apply it to life.
For those of you who are reading this and thinking that you will see some crazy girl getting off of the airplane, a girl who is a complete 180 from what she used to be, I'm sad to disappoint. I am still the same old girl that you all know. I still look the same, laugh the same, and think the same. It's almost like because of my time here, I am more "me" than I was before. It was an interesting experience to study abroad where your classes are based on growth and development. Really, my grade is based on my ability to take the things that I have seen and learned here and grow as a person. That is what I'm being graded on!?!? How crazy is that??? I didn't have to sit in lecture and think about what was going to be on our next test. There is no final test, and the final product is me. I listened with the intent of learning and growing. Hopefully that skill can lead me somewhere in the quest for my roadmap of life.
Sorry if this is all really rambling and confusing for you all. I realize that I value unity, balance, and tolerance. I think that those three things really sum up my reflections of South Africa at this point in time. More to come on that in the future. It's packing time!
Ciao for now!
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2 comments:
Hi My Dear Hil!
Reflections into one's self are exactly what they are... reflections! And as you reflect on this journey, you'll see that it was meant for you to see the conflict of "have" or "have-not". You can be very happy either way and as you saw in the Gugs, they may not even know what it is to "have" because to them they "have" it all!
Tell Aaron that he did a wonderful job with 17 young adults!
Can't wait to see you!
Love you!
Dad
Hey Sweetheart;
It will be hard to say Goodbye. You will be leaving a part of you in South Africa but South Africa will always have a place in your heart. Isn't it amazing that to someone,(you may not even realize it) you made a difference. You were there for a reason. You may feel like one door is closing but remember, God always opens another. Look to Him in prayer for answers. He always answers prayers. Maybe not in the way we want, but they will always be answered. May you know His peace and understanding as you look into yourself and what life has to present. Your are always in our thoughts and prayers you beautiful child of God. TAke care. Safe travels. We are already counting down the days until we get to see you.
Love you always and forever.
Mom
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