I'm back!!!!

In South Africa there is a saying that says something to the extent of "my guest, my angel." Words can't even describe how thankful I am to my host family and the community of Gugulethu who opened their hearts to us for the past week. In a way its almost not fair for me to try to describe it all because I know that the true words aren't even words at all- they are feelings felt in the moment.

It was a bittersweet feeling saying good-bye today. It's good-bye because I know that I may never see these people again. For a moment in time this community has blessed me with so much clarity. I am selfish because I want more than one moment- it's a moment of opposites between cloudy and clear like when it is pouring rain and with the snap of the fingers the rain is gone. I have let the people here in and they have touched my soul with their stories, opinions, laughs, and smiles. Now we all left. They will go back to their lives and we will go back to ours. Can we really go back, or is what's there somehow going to be different? In a way they came into my heart, but instead of taking up all of the room, they touched me for a short while, showed me that it's okay to let people in, and then as quickly and joyfully as they came- they were gone. They didn't leave without making room in my heart for others. So in that way I will take them all with me.

I'm really torn right now. I'm torn between writing a 10-page blog to explain every little detail of my life for the past 3 days and just telling you that it was simply amazing and it was something that I can't describe. It was an experience unlike any other and putting words to it isn't possible. So in my best efforts, I will try to give you a little info about what my life has been like for the past couple of days. Keep in mind that some of the things that I experienced are for me only. I was there in the moment, and it is something this is mine solely. I know that it sounds selfish, and I'm more than happy to talk to all of you about it when I get back to the states. So here is my best effort!

I have been really happy here lately despite all of the seemingly sad things that I have seen. Babies here rarely cry, and there is something to be said for the fact that even the smallest of humans with no way to communicate other than crying can feel the love that spills out of the people in Gugulethu.

This week we really delved into the topic of HIV/AIDS in South Africa. It's interesting because there are so many institutionalized things getting in the way of a united front fighting against AIDS. In a country where HIV is considered an epidemic, we stayed in a township that is hit hard by HIV. There are a lot of different things that play into the spread of HIV. One of the big take-aways is the fact that HIV is a poor person's disease. HIV is spread by sexual intercourse, and sex is cheap. People with absolutely no money at all can afford to have sex. They can't always afford the repercussions, but they can afford the immediate gratification. I have also heard time and time again about how HIV is a black person's disease. This is not to say that white people don't get it. I realize more and more that racial identity is such a part of life here in South Africa. There is really a huge difference between white and black, rich and poor, those who have and those who have-not.

The one story that really had an impact on me was the story of Priscilla and her children. Priscilla is a member of the JL Zwane church which is the church that we coordinated with for our time in Gugulethu. Priscilla is the proud mother of 11 children (only four of which are actually her own). With 11 children to care for, money is really tight around the house. We visited the family a couple of times during our stay in the township to serve in any way that we could. Priscilla's family lives in a 3-room shack. There are days when she doesn't even know where her family is going to get their next meal from. Priscilla is tired- in her spirit. Yet every morning she gets up, takes care of those children and shares her smile with the rest of the world. As some of us were looking around her house one afternoon, Kate (a girl I'm traveling with) noticed that in the bathroom they don't have toilet paper. When it is that time of the month for the teenage girls, they "learn to get along as best they can." That absolutely broke my heart. Where is the dignity and humanity in that? We have talked a lot about how South Africa is working toward re-humanizing its people in the post-apartheid era. Stories like that that make me realize that while apartheid is officially over, there is so much left to do to truly mend the wounds.

I wonder how all of the people here have so much joy? In a country that is divided by "haves" and "have-nots" they are constantly giving of what they do have. Thoko was our mom, and her name means happy. The smallest of things she gave to me was happiness. In a way, maybe it was actually the largest. It really shows how the small things make a world of difference.

I am struck by the obligations that come along with being an American. I come from a country with so many resources that it is my responsibility to share those resources. How do I choose who to help? With such a divide between the developing and developed world many countries, areas, and people need help but where do I draw the line? Do I help my host family get their daughter to the U.S.? Do I draw the line at Priscilla and her children? What about the Thembaletu School? There are countless people with their own stories whom I haven't even met, what about them? Do I help ALL of them? How do I justify helping one group but not another? At the same time I am selfish. I don't want to sacrifice my comfort to help others. I don't want to give up all of my material possessions and wants. Maybe I am not the evolved, giving, loving person that I thought I was. It's hard to be an American traveler. I feel like a dollar sign, or a solution to problems. How do I explain to someone that because of the color of my skin or the country of my birth, I get to have all of this material fortune that I'm not willing to give up? Am I a bad person because of all of this?

I have a lot of thoughts moving around in my head and more questions that answers. I am so moved by all of the stories that I have heard here:

• The 9 year old by who's uncle abused him.
• The xenophobic refugees living in a church basement.
• The children who trade sex for homework help because sex is the recreational activity of people who can't afford otherwise.
• The clinic workers
• Nombeko and her positivity
• All of our speakers/lecturers who opened their hearts
• Our host families who opened their homes and the heart of their culture to us
• Paul and Edwin and the rest of the community center

There are so many more people that I am forgetting about right now. I really have gone halfway around the world to find that I can find family even in the most unexpected of places. Instead of "my guest, my angel," maybe it should be "my guest, my family."

I have so much more to tell, but I need to think about it all first. I learned A LOT about education during my time in the township. So more to come with that. Let's just say that I got to see what a speech pathologist here does. It's very interesting. We did a lot of educational work ranging from pre-school to high school to schools for children with disabilities. More about that tomorrow!

Ciao for now!